Monday, February 16, 2009

25 Things About Me You Don't Really Need to Know

So my baby and baby-daddy are sleeping and I'm seriously tempted to start playing Mah Jongg on the computer, which means I'll almost immediately get sucked into an alternate universe where it's acceptable to be, ah, 29 and playing computer game based on a board game commonly played by Jewish grandmothers. So, instead, I thought I'd do one of those "25 Things About Me" questionnaires that are all the rage on Facebook, but which I'm too afraid to do on Facebook because what if any of my crazy could really be linked to me.....

1. If I could create my dream job, I'd be a rapist-hunter, not to be confused with a rapist/hunter because that's just wrong. No a rapist-hunter is a woman (MUST be a woman, kind of like a Slayer), who travels from place to place under the cloak of darkness and wipes out rapists, wife-beaters, child abusers and the like. Said hunter must also have a cool weapon, like a honed wooden spear with a Chinese Star attached to the end. Cape optional. I think they get in the way.

2. I have never dated a man I couldn't take in a fight. The FD might disagree with me on this one, but he shouldn't try me.

3. I don't want to get married, except I think it would be fun to plan a big party and sample cakes and put together a play-list. And I wouldn't mind a very fancy diamond ring, mainly so I could hock it for cash!

4. I miss California more and more every winter I spend in Massachusetts, or what I like to call, "The California of the East." What? There are similarities.

5. I love my baby girl's name - Ruby - and I'll always hold it against those a-holes who don't, especially one of FD's family members who said it wasn't "sexy." Creepiness factor? 100. Please refer to #1

6. I am a hard-core feminist, but I love super fucked-up non-feminist things. Not like snuff porn (but I'm not judging); more like "Bridezillas" and "7th Heaven." But I get around it by having a feminist critique of "Bridezillas" if anyone ever catches me cracking up on the couch watching WE. As for "The Heaven," I'll just blame it on 12 years of Catholic school gone wrong.

7. I want a really delicious bourbon-based cocktail that doesn't exist. How come all the vodka drinkers get the fancy drinks, and I'm stuck drinking it neat? Don't get me wrong, neat is good, but sometimes I want something sparkly.

8. I want to go to Spain already! I've wanted to go for maybe 16 years, and I haven't, but I'm pretty worried it would turn out all Alanis Morrisette: "She waited 16 years to go to Spain, then her plane crashed down and she thought, Isn't this lame."

9. I am going to learn to walk in heels this year. For real. Like a pro. Then I'm going to put on shorts, get hosed down, and run through the streets of New York yelling, "Pete!"

10. During my junior year in high school (ick. gag.), my religion teacher, Father O'Connor, used to call me a "trucker babe" and "feminazi," which I think were code words for lesbian.

11. I think the FD is the very best cook in the world. He knows everything about food, and he does sick, twisted, messed-up good things to it!

12. If I could eat one thing every day, it would be a super-ripe, sun-warmed, fresh-from-an-organic-July-garden tomato. Oh lord baby Jesus. There is nothing like it.

13. FD and I met on Valentine's Day. In a bar. Hotness.

14. I had this really crunchy, natural birth planned when I was pregnant. It was going to involve a tub and a soothing midwife, and music. Instead, I had to have a cesarean (no, really. Not like, "oh, I'm a celebrity and I had to have a cesarean because it's the only way they could do the tummy tuck at the same time"). It took me a while to get over it. But my girl is the SMARTEST, funniest, most gorgeous thing in the world, so it kind of makes sense that they had to cut her out of me.

15. I still breastfeed my 20-month-old baby and now she can tell me which side she wants to nurse on and, when she's had enough, she says, "Put the boob away, Mama" while giving it a dismissive pat.

16. Is it just me or is American history so, so boring? Unless it's about early feminists, or how Ben Franklin was a total drunk, I can't keep my eyes open.

17. I have names picked out for our future kids, but FD isn't on board with any of them. Part of me thinks we should just come up with a new name when it's time in a respectful and cooperative manner. Part of me thinks I should start the baby-daddy interview process soon.

18. I love big feet and big eyebrows on women. I think they're tough.

19. I have big eyebrows. They're tough.

20. I don't wash my feet that much. I know, I know.

21. I want to wear flip flops every single day. But I'm too busy running through the streets of New York in heels.

22. My sister and I call each other "sis." I think that's cute.

23. If I were really rich, I'd pay someone to wash and dry my hair every day . . . um, I mean, I'd donate it all to charity. Children's charity. Yep.

24. I flat-out HATE anti-feminists. I'm not into that "I respect your opinion" or "we'll agree to disagree" bullshit. Fuck that. That's for pansy-ass motherfuckers. If you think you have a right to tell me, or any woman, what to do with her uterus (or other parts for that matter), you're asking for it. If you think there's "women's work," you deserve a nice, hard punch in the gut. If you're raising your daughters on Bratz dolls and sugar-free (and cancer-rich) treats, you should be checked in somewhere. Oh, and to that woman - I'll call her Jen - outside the Planned Parenthood in Brookline a few years back, praying the rosary and getting in my face. I really hate you.

25. I've got a lot of anger. And I like to swear.


Allyson said...

i love this list. i was going to try and pick out a few favorites but i can't...i love them all.

Sarah said...

I love it! What are the baby names you have picked out? I have the same problem with Alison and all the names I have carefully picked out, I know we have talked about this before. How could anyone not like the name Petra James?? Yet she will just not admit that she has terrible taste.

Feministy said...

Sarah, you just need to admit that you also love the names Mildred and Martha and then you two can be happy.

Sarah said...

Oh jesus, she does love good wholesome names like that. Damn my midwestern bride! Also, I second #11. I was just remembering your baby daddy's salsa. You are probably eating it right now! Ah. Jealous!

Allyson said...

i am obsessed with that salsa!